there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize