i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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