You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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