i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Small penises have feelings too.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
