The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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