I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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