I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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