It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
