I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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