I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
