I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
