I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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