i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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