so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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