So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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