Your face is a jimmy john
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
