I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
