My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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