I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize