Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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