im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
