i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
