Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
