Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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