so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize