I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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