I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
