On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
