Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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