Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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