HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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