When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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