I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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