I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I love how my cats smell like pot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize