I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drunk walkin through police station. America
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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