I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
