Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
