Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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