He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
