I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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