i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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