I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
