I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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