every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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