Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize