I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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