Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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