I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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