nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
