Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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