drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
