i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
