You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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