dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
