I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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