he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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