how can u be prego again
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
