i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
