I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i dont even know how to be here
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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