This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
